Q & A: The Persistent Child

Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Q: When my child makes a request and I give him an answer he doesn't like, he keeps coming back and making the same request over and over and over again. How should I handle this problem?

Dennis: Someone has said that nagging is like being nibbled to death by a duck. This is the duck that gets you right here—the persistent child. Persistence is really a good character trait, but it does have a downside.
Look at it like this. This child may be the next Billy Graham. This child may be the next missionary whom God uses to win people in foreign countries to Christ because he perseveres and comes back over and over and over again! Often a weakness is a strength that is taken to an extreme.
Of course, this is no comfort right now for a mom who bears the brunt of this "nibbling" perseverance. I know I made my own mother suffer—I hounded her to death, pestering her, wearing her down. A child can see when his mother starts to weaken, and then he keeps piling on the pressure.

Barbara: I think you need to find out what your limit is. I think you need to decide what issues you are going to draw the line on. On this issue, you need to make it clear to the child what consequences he will face if he repeats a request for which he already has received an answer.
For example, you could say, "When you ask me if you can spend the night with a friend and I say 'no,' that's my final word. If you come ask me again, you are going to be grounded." Then, when this happens, you need to follow through and discipline the child as you promised. Otherwise your child will learn that you are the type of parent who threatens punishment but doesn't carry it out. He'll take advantage of this and find a way to get what he wants.

Dennis: Barbara's dad once gave me a sign after traveling eight hours in a car with our family on a trip. It reads, "Exactly what part of the word NO do you not understand?" He felt like I needed to say “no” and draw boundaries and not keep listening to the kids as they nagged and complained. I hung the sign on a lamp at home. My kids didn't like it. I'm amazed that they didn't toss it in the trash can.
Barbara's advice is very sound—kids need to hear ahead of time what will happen if they come back over and over again with the same request or question. Now this may sound harsh, but it's all about developing character in our children. We used this technique a lot because we had many strong-willed kids in our family.

Barbara: It's an issue of trust. The kids need to learn to trust that the parent is going to do what he said he was going to do.

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Discovering Your God-Given Purpose

by Shana Schutte

There once was a man who netted three trout from a mountain stream and carefully placed them side-by-side on a thick patch of grass. Before he removed them from the water, they were like a liquid ballet in motion. Fluid. Graceful. Vibrant. Alive.
After he netted them, it was another story.
As the trout lay on the grass, they were motionless. Their eyes were fixed. They gasped for air, and they looked — and acted — stupid.
The man noticed they seemed unhappy, so he talked to them, hoping that his encouragement would change them.
“Little fish, don’t be sad. You’ll like the grass. Just try it out for a while.”
No movement. No response. No change.
A few more seconds passed. The man’s neighbor walked by. “Hey, Bob! Come and check out these fish!”
Bob sauntered over and the man explained that he was certain the fish could adjust. “I’m sure they could prosper here on the grass, don’t you?”
“Why not?” Bob replied. So he also tried to tell the fish it would be good if they learned to like the grass. After all, he liked the grass. Why shouldn’t they?
Still, the fish didn’t blink. They just lay there looking dumber by the second.
Finally, a little boy approached exclaimed, “What are you doing? Put them back! They can’t be all they’ve been created to be when they are out of the water.”
Finally convinced, the man carefully placed each fish back in the stream. After splashing for a split second, all three swam away effortlessly. Again, it was like a liquid ballet. What ease! What grace! What beauty!
In that moment, the man realized that no matter how long the fish lay there they would never adjust to the grass, and would never be satisfied — no matter how much he (or anyone else) told them otherwise. Even if the fish tried to convince themselves they could learn to like the grass, they never would, and they would never prosper. In fact, they would eventually die.
Do you feel like a fish out of water? Your prolonged dissatisfaction, God-given gifts, passions and the voices of others could be telling you that you were created for another purpose. And like these fish, if you feel like you are dying inside, listen up. It could be just what you need to push you into another, more satisfying ocean.

Listen to your dissatisfaction
We’ve been taught to believe that dissatisfaction is a bad thing, and that we should do everything possible to avoid it. Shove it down. Ignore it. Act like it doesn’t bother us. Take a pill. Plaster on a smile. Buy something new, or decide that misery is part of “bearing our cross.” But above all, don’t consider that God might be using it to make us uncomfortable so we’ll want to swim in another ocean where our gifts can shine.
Don’t get me wrong; dissatisfaction can be a result of spiritual warfare (Eph. 6:10-12) and not an indication that we are out of God’s will. But it can also be a road sign that He has another purpose for us. So if you’re miserable in your current career or job, (and you have been for a long time), you’ve prayed, sought counsel from others, looked for guidance through Scripture, and you’re still miserable, consider that God may have another plan.

Listen to others
One of my closest girlfriends lights up when she talks about mentoring young women. She also has tremendous business sense. I’ve suggested that perhaps God may use her to start a mentoring organization or ministry. When I shared my thoughts with her, she said, “You know, I’ve heard that from lots of people.”
Just as dissatisfaction can be a road sign from God to show you your purpose, listening to what others say about your gifts can do the same; so when someone notices or comments on one of your talents, take note. God may be trying to tell you something through His people.
There are times, however, when we shouldn’t listen to what others say. But when what they say about us agrees with our passions, internal convictions, gifting and what God has already revealed to us, it can be a solid indication of our God-given purpose.

Listen to your gifts
I’ve never liked math. Whenever I come within five feet of a math problem, I break out in hives. Numbers have never been my thing and my guess is that they never will be because God created me with different gifts. Even though I can’t do math, I can write, paint, draw, sing and communicate well. These gifts are also road signs to where God is directing me.
Have you ever considered your talents and gifts? Do you get a kick out of soccer? Are you a strategic thinker? A great listener? Can you motivate others to action with your words? Are you skilled at building things? I suggest making a list of the things and activities that interest you in which you excel. You can also ask yourself, “What’s the one thing that I do better than others?” This can also clue you in to your God-given purpose.
The gifts God gives us are like little seeds planted inside us, but for them to grow we have to use them. This means that if you can’t identify which “Gift Seeds” God has given you, try doing new things that interest you. Through these new experiences, God will reveal more to you about who you are and how He has called you to serve Him.

Listen to your passions
If I could ask you what makes you angry, joyful, excited or passionate, what would you say? Take note of when your emotions are moved; these times can be a sign of your God-given purpose.
I get fired up about the godless condition of the world. When I hear about little children being abused, I get angry. When someone tells me a story about loyal love, I am deeply moved. An exquisite arrangement of words on a page fills my heart with passion. A story of someone’s heartbreak grieves me. Talking about Christ stirs me up. When coupled with my talents, these passions point in the direction of my purpose of written and spoken communication about things that deeply impact people on a spiritual and emotional level.

Pray

Ask God to show you the things that move you and make a list. And remember, He wants you to discover His purpose for you more than you do.
Lastly, consider that your purpose is not just about you; it’s about what God wants to do through you. Therefore, if you ignore or neglect your dissatisfaction, what others say about you, your gifts and your passions, you are not only betraying yourself, but betraying God; because He has called you to a purpose and wants you to walk in it — for others and for your own joy.
Also consider that since God has called you, He is completely able to reveal your purpose to you, and He will as you diligently seek Him (Heb. 11:6).

Copyright 2008 Shana Schutte.

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Moments With You: Give Them Dinnertime

Dennis Rainey

She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household. Proverbs 31:15

RV Brown was the sixteenth of 17 children. As he and his siblings arrived at the dinner table, he never understood why his mother stood in the corner with a bowed head. When he was older, he learned that she was praying that the butter beans and cornbread would make it to one end of the table and back without running out!
Of all the rich memories forged in his childhood home, this was the best: dinnertime. Everybody gathered around. Talking, listening, and enjoying the laughter and noise of family togetherness.
He can still hear the older kids talking about the work they’d been doing that day. Or about what had happened at school. Another might tell a story he remembered from his stint in the army. And before they finished, R.V.’s daddy, who couldn’t read or write, would lean back in his chair and begin sharing from his heart in that soft, arresting voice of his. Little bits of wisdom. Nuggets about how to treat people. Pearls about how to always give your best, settling little problems by using some patience and understanding and not hurting anybody.
I hate to think what the pace of life in today’s families has done to memories like these. How many kids, when they grow up and look back on their childhood, will reflect on how much it meant for them to wolf down a fast-food hamburger in the car between ball practice and youth group? I think that what we stand to lose by consistently eating on the run may be a generation that has learned to value activity over relationship ... and continues to feed self when they could be feasting together.
Give your children something they’ll always remember: Give them dinnertime.

Discuss
Be honest about your dinnertime habits. Are they what they should be? What’s one thing you want to do differently about your dinnertime?

Pray
Ask God to help you place more value on being together than on doing it all.

Excerpted from Moments With You by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Copyright© 2007 Dennis and Barbara Rainey. All Rights Reserved. Published by Regal Books, Ventura, CA 93003.

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Shaping Your Child’s Destiny

Larry Fowler

What do you want your sons and daughters to be when they grow up?
God’s answer: “I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleas­ing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” (Romans 12:1)
Early adolescence is the time when the drive for significance and acceptance by others begins kicking into high gear.
Think about what provides significance:
Destiny is a big deal. Many philosophers have posited that life’s most important question is, Why am I here? Christian parents have the responsibility to help young people see that the answer is found in fulfilling God’s purpose for their lives.

Here’s what a sense of God’s purpose for their lives will do:

-A sense of destiny gives direction in the major decisions of life. The young person who believes God is calling him or her to serve Him will consider that when deciding what college to attend, who to marry, and what to do for a career.
-A sense of destiny gives meaning to life’s opportunities. If I believe God might use me to influence children as an elementary school teacher, I’ll seek opportunities that contribute to that direction.
-A sense of destiny provides strength in hard times. If I understand that God may need to knock off some rough corners in order to best use me, difficult times can be understood and endured.

Being in the center of God’s plan for life

Your children must feel that they’re important to God, that He has a great plan for their lives, and that by submitting sacrificially to Him, their lives will please Him. Teach them that being a doctor or lawyer, or even president, is not the pinnacle of achievement, but rather to be right in the center of God’s plan for their lives.
When do we teach destiny? From the time children can under­stand it, of course. But preadolescence and early adolescence is the time to emphasize it. Middle-schoolers are just beginning to think about what they’ll do with their lives.
That was true for me. I was thirteen when a speaker at a summer camp challenged us to commit our lives to following God’s will. I can still feel the sense of peace, exhilaration, and significance that came over me when I told my counselor later that night that I felt God was calling me to serve Him with my whole life. Of course, I didn’t know then what this would mean, but that decision affected many future decisions—including staying out of a lot of sin—during my high-school years and beyond.

So what do we do?

1. Teach children they’re important to God. Help them be able to say:
My life is important because God made me just the way I am.
My life is important because God loves me enough to die for me.
My life is important because God has a purpose for me.

2. Teach them to desire God’s will.
Read to them, or have them read, missionary stories or biog­raphies of faithful Christians. Get videos about the lives of spiritual giants and watch them together as a family.
Provide as much exposure as you can to Christian workers, pastors, missionaries, and others. My daughter and son-in-law, Andrea and Ray, recently took their children (my grandkids) to a Christian concert and stayed afterward to talk to the musi­cians about their ministry. The kids were starstruck, talking for days afterward about it, and now they want to be Christian musicians. I know God will likely lead them differently in life, but that experience will make serving God with their lives more desirable to them.
Change your vocabulary. Don’t say, “What do you want to be?” and expect a vocational answer. Say, “What does God want you to be?”—and expect a ministry answer.

3. Give them service opportunities early. Many par­ents wait far too long to get children involved in serving God. Don’t wait until the midteen years and then send them on a mission trip where they paint fences and take clothing to the poor. When they’re ten or eleven, let them assist in spiritual responsibilities both at home and at church—leading worship, teaching, reading Scrip­ture, planning activities, and yes, mission trips.

© 2008 Cook Communications Ministries. Raising a Modern-Day Joseph by Larry Fowler.

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Fighting Fair

by Matthew D. Turvey

Conflict. For some spouses, it's a way of life. For others, it's a word they refuse to entertain.
We all bring different perspectives and biases to how we react to marital conflict. There's not necessarily any one right way to handle and resolve conflict – but, be assured that there are some mindsets, behaviors and attitudes you should avoid in this area of your marriage.
In the following articles, we'll examine healthy attitudes toward conflict resolution and begin to recognize that, in the final analysis, loving your spouse is a very real way to express your love for God. How we love our spouse has direct correlation to how we relate to and love our Creator.
First, we'll look at the importance of fighting. Rather than avoiding conflict in marriage, we must embrace healthy conflict as a way to enjoy and love our spouse. Avoiding or denying the inevitable mix-ups of marriage only postpones having to really deal with them and grow through them.
Next, we'll see that resolving conflict is a balancing act. By purposefully holding back honest communication, the silent partner in marriage can stunt the growth of the relationship. The opposite characteristic – being the overly dominant spouse – also has its pitfalls. By finding appropriate balance between these extremes, we create a better marriage. More importantly, these characteristics often carry over into our relationship with God.
Finally, we'll examine the role of emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage. We honor God when we consistently resolve marital conflict without letting it build into resentment. Sexual intimacy, then, stems from emotional safety in marriage.
In the end, we can all do a bit better when it comes to resolving the conflict in our marriages. Hopefully it becomes clear that doing conflict a little bit better is a very real, very important way to honor God and express our love and devotion to Him. Let's not forget the eternal significance of our closest personal relationship – marriage.

Copyright © 2008, Matthew D. Turvey. All rights reserved. International copyright secured

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Surviving the Economic Storm

Ron Blue and Jeremy White

Plunging home values. Declining stock market. Vanishing credit. Fluctuating gas prices. Ongoing war against terrorism. Failing banks. Soaring food costs. Falling value of the dollar. Swelling budget deficits.
If you’re worried, you’re not alone. You’re not the only one feeling the uncertainty. Consumer confidence measurements have reached their lowest level in decades.
It’s easy enough to present our case that economic times are challenging. The daily headlines back us up on that. Our challenge is to prepare you so that you have less fear and more financial peace.
We want to help you develop a common sense financial strategy to weather the economic storms of today as well as those in the far-off financial future. In times of economic uncertainty, the strength of your strategy will determine whether you thrive or survive.
Let’s get started with a reminder of how you get ready for tough times: Prepare in advance.

Don’t let your dreams be washed away
The aerial photo is startling: An attractively designed yellow two-story home stands alone on highly sought-after real estate along the Texas Gulf Coast. Just a few days before, that house was part of a thriving community. Now, it is surrounded on every side by the wreckage of about 200 other homes and buildings. A private helicopter pilot, flying over the area after it had been slammed by Hurricane Ike in September 2008, took the photo.
Not long after the pilot posted the image on CNN’s iReport site, the buzz started. Viewers began debating whether the photo was a fake. After all, how could one home withstand 110 mph winds and a storm surge while every other building around it had been pulverized? The speculation ended when the sister of one of the home’s owners identified it and provided another photo of the house taken just a few months earlier.
Reporters quickly located the home’s owners, Warren and Pam Adams. Just three years before, the Adamses’ home had been destroyed by Hurricane Rita. Because they loved the beach, the couple wanted to rebuild rather than leave the coast. So they did—but with the knowledge that their new home might also be in the path of a hurricane someday.
The couple hired an engineering firm to oversee the contractor as their new residence was built. The builder put the house’s bottom floor on wooden columns that raised it above the surrounding houses. The foundation was made with reinforced concrete, and builders followed the latest hurricane building codes to the letter.
Despite its solid construction, the home did sustain some damage in Hurricane Ike. The first-floor garage and a wooden staircase on the home’s exterior were destroyed. The interior suffered water and mud damage, and furniture, appliances, and other possessions were ruined. Yet unlike their neighbors, who returned to their former home sites hoping to find a few personal belongings among the rubble, the Adamses can repair their home.
The precautions the couple took when rebuilding their home after Hurricane Rita may have seemed extreme to some. Yet their foresight appears brilliant now, after the town sustained a direct hit by Hurricane Ike.
In fact, the couple simply displayed common sense. They knew that their home had been destroyed once by a hurricane and that it could happen again. Of course, others along the Gulf Coast knew they faced that threat as well. The difference was in how they responded to that risk.
Like some Gulf Coast residents, many people today build their financial houses without much of a strategy. When you build something you want to keep, common sense dictates that you build it according to a plan and with materials that will last. This strategy works for all types of construction, from putting together a financial portfolio to building a house.
Warren and Pam Adams can’t prevent a hurricane from smashing into their home on the coastline. They can’t control which way the wind blows. They can, however, build their house to withstand the wind and water.

Mr. Blue goes to Washington
Palms sweating and heart racing, I (Ron) climbed the granite steps of the Capitol building to testify as an expert witness before a Senate subcommittee. I entered the chamber room where the hearings took place. I had often seen it on television. It was impressive yet intimidating. The senators were seated higher than the witness table and the visitors’ gallery.
I recognized many of the senators’ names on the plaques at their table and took a deep breath. I reminded myself that I wasn’t in trouble—even though the room had the feel of a courtroom. The Senate subcommittee was holding hearings on “Solutions for the New Era: Jobs and Families.” I was one of several “experts” from various economic and social fields. Other participants on the panel pressed for more social programs.
When my turn to speak came, I was hoping my voice wouldn’t crack. Could I live up to my introduction as a financial expert? Leaning in toward the microphone on the table, I began to answer a senator’s question about what the average American family should do in the current economy. I said I believed the American family could benefit from following a four-part financial plan:

1. Think long-term with goals and investing
2, Spend less than they earn
3. Maintain liquidity (or emergency savings)
4. Minimize the use of debt

The Senate chamber room fell silent for a moment. I was expecting laughter to reverberate among the marble columns and high ceiling at the simplicity of what I had said. The committee chairman, Christopher Dodd, looked down at his notes. He furrowed his brow and pursed his lips. He recited the points back to me. Instead of chuckling at me, he then said, “It seems like this plan is not just for the family. It seems it would work at any income level.”
“Yes,” I replied with some relief. Now I was the one doing a bit of chuckling as I added, “including the U.S. government.” We went on to have an engaging conversation about how the senators could exercise strong leadership through wise financial practices.
I had developed my four-part answer to the senator’s question over many years. In fact, I have heard that same question over and over. After a presentation to a large audience or in response to a call-in radio program, people often ask how to get out of a financial mess—or avoid one. Often the questioners hope that I’ll provide an instant solution for their financial difficulties. Though they may be disappointed to hear my common sense strategy, I know this time-tested, biblically supported answer works.
Let’s briefly expand our explanation of these principles here:

Think long term. The longer term your perspective, the better financial decisions you’ll make. Set goals in writing for the future. Invest for the long term and worry less about short-term ups and downs in your 401(k) or investment portfolio.

Spend less than you earn. To accomplish this, you need to know what you’re earning and what you’re spending. Make a spending plan (or, if we dare use that loathed term, a budget). Monitor how you’re doing. Develop the self-control to avoid overspending. If you consistently spend less that you earn over a long period of time, you will do well financially.

Maintain emergency savings. A reserve set aside will help you ride out the surprises life throws at you. You must spend less than you earn to build savings. Savings will then help you avoid debt. These principles work together.

Minimize the use of debt. Debt increases risk. It may allow you to do more or have more now, but debt will reduce your ability to have more in the future. I know of few cases of financial disaster occurring without debt. Financial problems are magnified with debt.

Some technical professionals, such as doctors and engineers, initially think these principles are too simplistic. They want to make succeeding financially as technically challenging and sophisticated as their fields. But you can’t go wrong if you follow these steps. What kind of financial trouble would you ever get in if you spent less than you earned, minimized debt, kept savings available, and thought about the long term?

When do I apply these principles?
The best time to apply these four steps is before the financial storms come. You may be thinking, Well, it’s too late for that. I’m in the midst of a financial crisis. The hurricane has already hit. Now what do I do? Here’s hope. You start with these four principles of financial success. If you haven’t done them before, then start now. You can’t lay a solid financial foundation without these four steps. They will lead you out of a crisis—and prevent many future ones.
Perhaps your financial crisis has already happened. You may have lost your job. You may be getting calls from creditors. Perhaps you fear a possible foreclosure. You’re picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. What do you do?
Same answer. You start with these principles.
Perhaps you don’t currently face a financial crisis but are anxious because of all the economic bad news. The Adamses’ house is a great illustration that may motivate you to prepare for storms in advance. You can take great comfort in these transcendent principles that apply before, during, and after the crisis.
In fact, some positive results can come from our country’s current economic downturn. We’ve learned that a crisis can sharpen our focus. It helps us think more rationally. When gas prices rose significantly, consumers started moving from large sport-utility vehicles and oversized trucks to more fuel-efficient vehicles. This is rational. But even when gas was less expensive, was a Hummer ever a sensible purchase for an urban dweller?
People often ask us, “Now that _____ (you fill in the blank) is happening, what should I do?” We always give the same advice: Follow these four principles. If you set long-term goals and invest accordingly, if you spend less than your income, if you have available savings, and if you reduce debt, then you’ll be as prepared as possible.

Taken from Surviving Financial Meltdown by Ron Blue and Jeremy White. Copyright © 2009 by Ron Blue and Jeremy White.

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About Life Groups

L – Providing Loving acceptance of others
I – Increasing your personal maturity
F – Building close personal Friendships
E – Encouraging one another

Purpose: Life Groups are the place to connect and build relationships. They keep things real and on the level where we live. We believe that life happens every day and if we don’t weave God into that fabric, we miss what He really intended; to flourish and grow. At a meeting you may find good food, discussion about life topics, people being real with each other, and words of encouragement about how God is working.

Who Can Attend: Anyone who is willing to follow the Life Group purpose.

When and Where: Various times at various places. Some groups will meet on a weekly or monthly basis at different homes throughout the community.

Life Groups are a ministry of First Baptist Church of Wenatchee. For more information or to talk with some about Life Groups or any other ministry of FBCW, please call us at 509-663-7266; email us at info@fbcwenatchee.org or visit our website at http://www.fbcwenatchee.org/

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