The Four Black Holes of Parenting

The Four Black Holes of Parenting

Barry St. Clair

Have you ever been paralyzed over the guilt of your shortcomings as a parent? I sure have. Sometimes we become afraid to move in any direction for fear that we will do something wrong, perhaps even make things worse.
If we view our imperfections without the light of God’s love, forgiveness, and grace, we can fall into emotional black holes that render us useless to anyone, especially our children! I’ve discovered that most parents tend to fall into one or more of four different black holes.

Black Hole #1: The “Done Its” Some parents feel they have tried everything to parent well, yet it hasn’t worked out for them … or their kids. Their precious little children have grown into angry, rebellious adults who bring more heartache than joy. Honestly, when we finish our primary parenting years, all parents question themselves. All of us ask the question, “Would I have done some things differently?” as we see what we think is the finished product.
With sadness I listened to a longtime friend talk about his son. In more than one of our conversations this dad has been on the verge of desperation. At other times he had resigned heartbreak written all over his face. During adolescence this son began to put up a wall between himself and his parents. At first he erected it toward spiritual matters, then later toward moral issues. The wall grew quietly, insidiously, and before long it seemed insurmountable. At one point his parents had to do an intervention, forcibly removing him from their home and taking him to a facility for wayward young men. This gut-wrenching experience left the father and mother feeling like a pair of deflated balloons, fizzling and falling motionless to the floor. After much prayer and counsel, they have learned to cope with their unmarried son, who broke up with his girlfriend after the birth of a baby. These parents have endured their pain and embraced the baby who came out of the unwed relationship. Underneath, however, heartbreak remains.
What should they have done differently? Having known this couple for years, the answer is ... nothing. Certainly they made mistakes, they have their flaws, they were not perfect parents. But they loved, nurtured, and provided well for their son. They made a physical, emotional, and spiritual investment in him that for most kids actually works. In truth, they did all they could.
Until recently it didn’t look like that investment was paying any dividends. But now, after years of patiently waiting while their son struggled, they have begun to see him come back to renew relationships—both with them as parents and with the Lord. The investment that they once questioned has begun to bear fruit again. What they saw in him as a teenager by no means will end up as the finished product!
Are you heading toward this same black hole of despair and resignation? Be aware, and be encouraged that “The Hound of Heaven” ever watches and woos your children back to Himself!

Black Hole #2: The “Haven’t Done Its” Parents often look back on their parenting experience and realize what they have not done. They wish they had done more. Living with that regret, they wonder if it is too late.
Because of the cultural lies that have been fed to this generation of parents, many of us get to a certain point in our parenting, glance back over our shoulders, and recognize that our children needed more of us. Due to dads who work too much, often boys haven’t had the fathers they need. With many working moms, other people have nurtured or not nurtured our children. Most of us wake up one day to the stark realization that the job we hold, the money we make, and the things we can buy simply do not measure up to the price we have paid in missing out on raising our children.
My friends Don and Cindi faced that dilemma and wisely decided to take a hard look at their parenting approach. Both worked for an airline company and lived with the long hours and the high stress of their jobs. After having children and realizing that they had fallen into the “Haven’t Done Its” black hole, they creatively figured out how to get out of it. Cindi quit her job. Then she used her abilities to begin an outsourcing business with stay-at-home moms—from her home. She finds clients who need a specific labor skill and then connects them to stay-at-home moms who have those skills. The clients pay highly skilled individuals at a lower-than-market rate, but the moms get to stay at home with their children and yet bring in income. And the kids receive nurturing attention from their moms every day. Everybody wins! And Don, the dad, has figured out how to use his flying privileges to take the entire family to places around the world where they could never go otherwise. Don and Cindi saw themselves in a black hole but refused to stay there.
Whether we have fallen in the “Haven’t Done Its” black hole only recently or long ago, we must understand that we can get out, and it’s never too late to get out.

Black Hole #3: The “Undone Its” These parents compare themselves to other parents and feel that they don’t measure up.
One mom I know sent her children to the same school that our children attended. She had sharp kids. They received good grades in school. They had musical talent. They excelled in athletics. Yet she always compared her kids to other children. It didn’t take long for her to start berating herself as a mom. “John just doesn’t grasp spiritual things like Austin. Andrea isn’t in the advanced class with Suzanne. Josh isn’t scoring as many points as Michael. We must be doing something wrong.” By comparing her kids in this way, she came up short in her view of her children, her husband, and herself.
Who suffered most? Everyone! Her low self-esteem that created these negative comparisons drove everyone up the wall.
These sorts of parents who feel like they don’t measure up look around at what other moms and dads have, what they do, and what they say, then look at themselves with condemnation and think, I fall woefully short of being a good parent. Actually most of us who fall in this hole (and most of us have fallen in this hole!) have done and are doing many great things for our kids. But we feel like the negatives outweigh the positives. This sometimes leaves us feeling like a piece of dirt.
Notice that I have used the word feel or feeling three times in the above paragraph. Often, due to low self-esteem, we don’t think consciously or act deliberately about the way we parent. Rather we respond emotionally, allowing our feelings to create our parenting reality. We see how our kids act and react in situations with other children. We observe that our children don’t always measure up to others. And then we react to that by reaching negative conclusions not only about our children but also about ourselves.
Comparing ourselves with others, negatively or positively, leads only to a dead end. On the other hand, realizing that God created each of our children uniquely—and that each has a God-given destiny—will absolutely change the way we parent. And that change will usually move our children to fulfill that destiny, not to mention beginning to pull us out of the “my kids and I don’t measure up” black hole.
If you find yourself in this black hole, don’t pin the burden of your self-esteem on your child’s shoulders. Instead face your insecurities and pursue your self-worth in Someone who can create real security.

Black Hole #4: The “Half-Done Its” Some parents function in the mode of single parent. Others operate with one parent pulling against the other, either in their personal relationship or in their parenting philosophy. These parents know that they do not and cannot operate at 100 percent capacity. Either 50 percent of the parenting team misses the action or 50 percent of the parenting team opposes what the other one wants. One produces a sense of inadequacy. The other creates high levels of tension.
Spiritual opposition between Mom and Dad can create the biggest mess of all. A tug-of-war, with one parent pulling for God and the other parent pulling against Him, definitely confuses kids. Yet if we find ourselves in this tension, we can be encouraged. Our children are not stupid. They see the light in the midst of the darkness. With childlike clarity and simplicity, they know right from wrong. Perceptively, they know what emotional and spiritual death looks like as opposed to life, and they will opt for life almost every time. However, you face the battle of living with spousal tension 24/7 and in the midst of that tension the challenge of finding the wisdom to live life God’s way in front of your family.
Even if you face such severe difficulties, you can dig out of this black hole over time with God’s help.
Beyond imperfections to purpose
If we find ourselves in one of these black holes, we need to admit that we feel defeated by our imperfections and guilt and ask God to lead us out. We need to remember the apostle Paul’s perspective on our past imperfections: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize” (Philippians 3:13-14).
Paul said that he had learned to do two things when the thoughts of his past started to immobilize him: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. If an ex-murderer of Christians can get past guilt and go on, you can too. In fact, you owe it to your kids to do so, for two reasons: 1) They need a recovering, healthy parent who fully and joyfully shows up for them. 2) They need an example of how to handle life God’s way when they hit the wall of their own failures. God and His love for you prevail over your imperfections.

Taken from Parent Fuel by Barry St. Clair copyright © 2007. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL 60187, www.crossway.org.